7.28.12

 
esvyphoto

This morning is a new day, with the sun rising to warm our earth just like any other.  The 28th day of any month would ordinarily just come and go.  And most months, I move onto the 29th without much thought.  But this particular 28th day I pause.  My heart radiates a bit brighter; its beat a little deeper.  My mind wanders to the memory of why this day is significantly different than the usual.   My heart weighs heavier today.  Exactly 3 years ago, on the gorgeous summer morning of July 28th, I married my life partner.

As time has passed, I have increasingly moved towards discretion when sharing about the day to day happenings of our marriage.  It is not a reflection of dissatisfaction, lack of emotions to express, or even lack of desire to share with extended friends and family.  In truth, our life together is ever changing, and our reality is complicated at times, in ways we find ourselves struggling to explain.  Preservation of our emotions has become more and more important in order to take care of our hearts.  I have struggled with fully sharing my heart, at times I simply feel at a loss for how.  And even now I feel myself hesitating to share so freely.  But because of our circumstance, in honor of this special day, I feel moved to open myself up as a heartfelt invitation to share with us.

Due to his work obligations, we have had to spend more days than I can count apart.  And this year, my birthday and our anniversary unfortunately was no exception.  He won’t be able to come home to partake in celebratory festivities tonight, we will be unable to take photos to commemorate the day… we won’t even be able hear each other’s voices on the phone—a reality that is so difficult for a lot of people to comprehend.  Over the course of 10+ years, this isn’t the first important day we have been forced to spend apart and it unfortunately won’t be the last.  Sure, it’s just another day.  We can celebrate another day.  And I am not a victim, I fully aware I chose this crazy life we are living.  But I am human, and with all the emotions that come along with the privilege of being warm a warm-blooded, emotional being, I initially took the news of his impending absence particularly hard and I did not want to see it as ‘just a day’.  And with the realization that I may be spending this day alone, another day without him with many more to come I feared the future… intense sorrow washed over me, a deep sadness I still cannot find words for.  My poor love watched helplessly as I dove into a deep, dark place in my heart.  The tears were hot and unending and I was angry at myself for not feeling stronger.  I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment, how would I explain this to the people in our lives that haven’t had to endure this type of separation over and over again and will likely never need to?  I wasn’t sure if I could find it within myself to go through the motions of approaching this day and feel okay.  I wanted all feeling to go away.  I wanted July to simply not exist.

19 years ago we first met and from that point forward, our lives were set in motion.  Soulmates destined to live out life purpose together.  And 3 years ago we fully unified our love.   I left everything I knew to begin our life adventure, strong in mind and body and hopeful for the future ahead.  There was never a promise that our life would be easy, and we have made many decisions which has led us to so many challenging days.  Our faith is tested on a daily basis, our ebb and flow is unpredictable; at times tumultuous and others, a calm and steady flow.  It can be so very lonely and confusing.  But we made a commitment to each other that for all the reasons we cannot fully understand and the blessings we simply cannot see, this is our purpose and the sacrifice will be worth it.   My heart hurts every single of the many moments we have had to spend apart.  But on my hardest days, it’s the bond we share that keeps me going; the constant, intense, loving bond which has continued to grow and evolve, regardless of the ups and downs we have endured.  My heart swells with passion for the man I am lucky to call my life partner, my husband.  We have fought so hard to be where we are today and keep fighting to see another day through.  I cannot let this day pass as just another simply because of the circumstance.  It was a day we spent so many nights praying he would make it home for.  A day I will never take for granted because so much was endured and sacrificed for the formality of the event to even take place at all.  For all the days, weeks, months we will spend together and apart in our lifetime on this earth, this day will forever be ours.

Today… I am persevering.  We made the time we had together prior to his departure so wonderful and we promised to continue as soon as we are able.  With each day that passed approaching separation, a new sense of faith and strength was found through the sadness.  The dark clouds in my heart slowly but surely parted and new light was allowed in.  Today, I am seizing the day.  I have no idea how I will spend it but whatever I may choose to do, as simple as it may be, I will make it beautiful.  For him.  For me.  For us.  I know he isn’t able to see this declaration, but I believe in putting my heart, soul and unending devotion out into the Universe so that it can reach him and touch his heart, wherever he is, somehow… be it a soothing, cool breeze on this sweltering day, a bright full moon and twinkling stars, a peaceful and sound night sleep... however it touches him, I hope he feels my presence and knows he is deeply loved.

To my other human, Happy Anniversary.  I am so completely, utterly in love with you and I always will be, today and every day of our lives + beyond.

 

Photo by Esvy Photo