Today I began to put Kaia down for her morning nap as I always do, holding her as I softly rubbed her back before putting her into her crib with the usual prayer that she would sleep a full and restful hour. But as I began this ritual, it occurred to me that this moment would eventually be a memory. Someday, she will be too big for me to hold her this way. It was as if she sensed my energy shift because at that moment, I felt her warm little body relax into mine more heavily than usual, her head resting on my shoulder and against my cheek, her arms relaxed with her tiny little hands holding me. I held her a little tighter, breathed her in, soaked up the quiet, loving vibes we were sharing as I fought my tears. I couldn’t tear myself away, I just wanted to stand there with her in my arms and never let her go. All I could think was, tomorrow my little baby girl will be one year old, and as excited as I am to see her grow and change, I want to hold onto these moments for as long as I can.
Since I was very young, I always believed I was destined to have a girl as my first-born. At times I wondered if it was just wishful thinking, but my intuition told me it was more than that. They say pregnant women tend to dream often. I had only one vivid dream my entire pregnancy, during my first trimester. In it, I gave birth to our baby and anxiously asked Glen if it was a boy or girl; it was a girl. A few months later when finding out we were, in fact, having a girl, I was ecstatic. Maybe it was chemistry, coincidence or just luck. Whatever the case, it was my dream coming true and I was so excited and anxious to meet her.
Getting to know Kaia over the last year and learning how to be her mom has been the most difficult and humbling but also incredibly rewarding experience. She has been a fighter from day one; vocal and tells us exactly what she feels when she feels it, she’s sensitive, strong, stubborn, silly, funny and so incredibly loving. A perfect mix of her crazy parents. I jokingly call it karma, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have my work cut out for me as she matures and seeks her independence. But she challenges me every single day and keeps me grounded. As I slowly learn who she is, I gain a better grasp of who I am, too. Being a mother is harder than any job I’ve ever had. At times, just when I think I’ve reached my limit and can’t handle any more, she loves on me so hard and melts my heart. I can’t possibly be mad at the fact that my little girl is basically my mini with her dad’s eyes. I’m so fortunate to be loved by this beautiful little girl.
Kaia is, without a doubt, the greatest, most gratifying accomplishment in my life. I know everyone says that about their babies, but it’s true. She’s the most daring risk I’ve ever taken. The biggest lesson in faith. She exposed my deepest, darkest insecurities and forced me to navigate through that darkness to find light again and learn how to love myself in a new way. My world changed the moment I was aware of her existence and I was deeply in love with someone I had yet to meet. The first little human to hear the sound of my heartbeat intimately. There will ever be another soul who will impact me the way she has. My life began again when she was born.
May 1st we celebrate her, we celebrate our family and we will celebrate life.