Motherhood was an experience I always knew I was destined for eventually. Growing a family was something I longed for, but it wasn't a decision I took lightly. I wanted to wait for the "right time", of course knowing there really isn't ever a good time, it just had to be right for us. As soon as Kaia’s existence became known, she single-handedly changed my entire life and I was completely, utterly in love with her. I was so excited about celebrating every moment of pregnancy and I intended to embrace all the changes, as uncomfortable and unpretty as it might be at times. I knew this might be an ambitious goal but it was my vision and I was nervous but hopeful about what was in store.
I discovered I was pregnant very early, so early it would be many more weeks before I would even feel any symptoms. Things started off great, but an unfortunate initial visit with a new doctor left me feeling unraveled. She had a terribly cold beside manner and unnecessarily caused me to worry about the success of my pregnancy. I understood that the early months are uncertain but I still found her treatment confusing. I was fragile and needed all the warmth and reassurance I could get but instead this woman left me and my vision shattered. In an instant, instead of feeling joy and trust in my health, through much of the first trimester I felt emotionally paralyzed, scared of all the unknowns, of all the things I couldn’t see or control. The task of being a lifeline for this helpless little human felt so daunting. What if my body failed me? What if I couldn’t do all the right things to keep the baby healthy? Pregnancy was just the beginning, I knew that. Life with a child would continue to change in ways so far beyond what I could anticipate. But I struggled to shake the fears.
Hearing her strong heartbeat for the first time was music to my ears. It was the first real comfort and reassurance that our baby was okay and something for me to hang onto. I moved onto a different, wonderful doctor who ultimately provided me with the care and comfort I needed to more confidently move forward but throughout the entire pregnancy, the fears and insecurities continued to linger and at times without warning, would rear their ugly head causing my anxiety to kick in. I loved being pregnant and I was overjoyed at the thought that I was carrying a life we created, I wanted so badly to let go and have faith everything would be okay. The thought that Kaia may be able to feel my discomfort from inside brought feelings of guilt, I didn’t want her to suffer from my inability to cope. So I started to spend each day committed to finding peace and healing from the inside out, working on freeing my mind. I surrounded myself with all the things I needed to comfort my heart; exercise, meditation, essential oils, crystals, literature, hypnotherapy. It was an opportunity to nurture my heart and take the time to think about the kind of woman and mother I wanted to be. The truth is, I was very fortunate to have a really good pregnancy. I was healthy from beginning to end and faced no real complications. I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl who proved to be as strong and feisty on the outside as she was in the womb.
Fears and challenges aside, I am still in awe of the entire pregnancy experience. Hearing her heart beat for the first time, feeling her hiccups as I woke each day and the flutter of her kicks every night as I driffted off to sleep, the sight of my body changing and growing to accommodate her growing body, the comfort of knowing she was protected by my warmth and snuggled up close to my heart. She was my constant companion for 9 months and I dreamed of the day I would hold her for the first time. It’s the scariest, most incredible blessing and I would do it all over again.